Never As Easy As It Seems
by tapdancinghippo
Summary: With Glee's lack of continuity, this is my take on Quinn's visit to Lima and why she did, and said, the things she did. Spoilers for 4x06. Not beta'd.


**A/N:** Based off of a post on Tumblr (user: kbs-was-here) and probably others. I just came back to Tumblr, so I didn't like or keep track of any other comments.

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Never As Easy As It Seems

On Monday, Quinn was up at 2:00am, trying to study for an upcoming exam in her psych class that morning. Her grades had been slipping all semester, not due to lack of concentration or studying, but because college was _intense_. High school could really only prepare her for so much and considering she had been through more life experience any normal teenager had been in and still graduated in the top of her class, one would think that college would be a piece of cake.

This was her last exam before Thanksgiving break and, as surprising as it was, she was looking forward to flying back to Lima and seeing her friends. They'd promised to visit every once in a while during holidays and even though it was so close to Christmas, she made the trek back to her hometown.

The thought of Thanksgiving made her a little melancholy; it used to be an enjoyable family holiday for the Fabrays. Frannie would come home and they'd help their mother Judy with the turkey and side dishes all morning, Russell would watch football or take care of their yard. Occasionally, they'd have friends over, but most years, it was just the four of them, watching one more year pass by and reminiscing together.

And now, with Russell out of their lives and Frannie trying to pretend she'd never been born into the family, it was just going to be Quinn and her mom. She wondered if she could invite Puck over or if Shelby would be in town with Beth, but she didn't get her hopes up.

On Tuesday, Quinn went back to McKinley to meet up with everyone. They sang a mash-up for old times' sake and it made Quinn realize how lonely life was at Yale. Lunch at Breadstix was full of college stories and laughter. When Santana asked if anyone had heard from Rachel or Kurt, Quinn's heart sank. Putting on a brave face, she concocted a story that Rachel e-mailed her practically every other week to remind her about the MetroPass ticket, when, in actuality, Rachel hadn't replied to a single e-mail that Quinn had sent. The last bit of communication they'd had was sometime during the summer when Quinn asked Rachel how her summer program was going and all Rachel replied with was, "It's great! Keeping me soooo busy!" She couldn't tell her friends the truth - that she was the one who gave Rachel the tickets, that her e-mails were the ones that went unanswered. She was the one going to an ivy league school; she'd gotten out of Lima, and yet, all she could think about was the next time she was coming home.

On Wednesday, they all went to McKinley to help Finn with the glee club. They were paired off the new members and, naturally, Quinn was paired up with Kitty. The girl reminded Quinn so much of herself when she was in high school. She was determined, driven, and probably a borderline sociopath if someone got in the way of what she wanted. She wished Rachel had been there; she would have loved helping these kids, instructing them on proper warm-ups and practicing runs, because God knows Finn wasn't.

Finn let class out early and the Unholy Trinity stayed behind with a few of the other students and performed a spontaneous song. One of Quinn's classes had been music in film, so she understood the importance of subtext and undertones, and relating songs to experiences and thoughts. "Come See About Me" was a song Quinn listened to ever since she was a little girl. She'd sit on her daddy's lap when he was working; he had a collection of old Motown records that he'd play for her and soon, she found herself opened up to a world of amazing and soulful music that most kids her age wouldn't be.

As the trio was dancing and singing in front of of everyone, all Quinn could think about was who she was singing for and what it meant. Quinn just wanted to see Rachel and it didn't matter if it was on a computer screen or in person - in person was obviously preferred. She had to keep looking at their group picture from Nationals to remember all of the curves of her face, though she'd heard that Rachel looked different now. Santana showed her a picture of the two of them when Rachel came back to see the high school's rendition of _Grease_. She looked really good, and happy. Quinn wanted to know if Rachel asked about her, but she knew the answer was probably no. And that was okay, because Quinn was doing enough thinking for the both of them.

After they sang, each pair left the choir room to get to know their mentees better. When Kitty told her that Jake Puckerman was pressuring Marley into having sex with him, she felt this strange need to protect her. She wasn't sure if it was because the girl reminded her of naïve high school Rachel or if she just didn't want someone to make the same mistakes as she did, but she was going to make damn sure that Marley wasn't going to get taken advantage of.

She liked that girl Kitty; with some teaching and molding, she could be Quinn without the pregnancy, the unfaithful boyfriends, and, with a little luck, without the overbearing and unsupportive parents. When Santana came in to tell her that Kitty was giving Marley laxatives, she didn't want to believe that this girl was as ruthless as she was in high school, but that was the nature of a Cheerio. They were taught to take down the competition at any cost.

So, she did what she always does when feeling threatened - she lied. She told Santana that she was just jealous of her and projecting Kitty onto her. Just like at Breadstix, she mentioned her psych professor without thinking about it and piled lies upon lies, saying that they were dating. She didn't know why she did it, but she knew that it was too late to turn back. Now she had a thirty-five-year-old professor boyfriend and, as her fingers delicately circled the top of the piano that she was leaning across, she pushed Santana's buttons, who pushed right back. She realized later on that telling Santana that she was a scared little girl who was too afraid to chase her dreams was _her_ projecting this time. At the mention of Beth, a wave of red washed over Quinn and barely felt her hand connecting with Santana's face. If Brittany hadn't come in and interrupted them, Quinn was certain that she probably would have come clean and told Santana everything.

But she didnt', she _couldn't._

How could she tell Santana that nothing had changed, that she was still a failure? She was a Lima Loser living in New Haven, pretending to be a grown up.

On Thursday, she sat in her mom's house, watching her prepare a turkey for two. Judy Fabray's friends had pulled out last minute and said they couldn't make it, so it was just the two of them. Judy would ask her how college was going.

Then more lies spilled out.

College was great, she was meeting tons of new people and joining clubs, her professors loved her. Judy smiled at her daughter, pride filling her up to the brim. After all of the adversity and hardships Quinn had gone through in high school, she came out on top and Judy was just _so proud_ of her.

But she would never tell her. She'd lived her life with Russell as the dutiful wife, not having opinions and rarely getting praise, so unfortunately, her daughters never got it either. She was hoping that the gleam in her eye and the smile on her face told Quinn what she wanted to say.

Quinn never saw it.

On Friday, Quinn flew back to New Haven. She couldn't stay any longer in Lima, reminding herself what she'd left behind and what she was missing. Santana texted an apology before she left and Quinn reciprocated, telling her that she was right all along. She was letting people define her life again and running away when things got too hard or too close to the truth; running away was what she was good at, but she was so tired of it.

_As long as he makes you happy._

When Santana sent that text, Quinn broke down in the middle of the airport. That was the thing, he didn't make her happy. He wasn't even on her radar, but Rachel was, and Rachel was too busy for her. Clutching her phone in her hands, Quinn debated whether or not to reach out to Rachel again, but it was the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. Every day without Rachel was black for Quinn. She sighed and put her phone back in her purse. She couldn't risk more rejection.

So, Quinn just flew back to New Haven, more alone than ever. She sat in her dorm room by herself; her roommate was still at home. Taking her laptop out of her bag, she plugged it in and turned it on. She stared at the screen for a good ten minutes before taking a deep breath and opening a blank e-mail. She'd just made a promise to herself: no more lies, no more deceit, and she was going to start by telling Santana the truth.

_Hi, San. I lied to you back in the choir room. I'm not dating my professor, he hardly even knows who I am. I'm probably just the pretty girl who's flunking his class. I don't know why I said we were together when I think I've always been in love with someone else (before you say anything, no, it's not you)..._

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__**A/N: **This ending's pretty terrible, so I'll probably re-write it at some point and time.


End file.
